Temper + Tantrum = Opportunity
I took a deep breath when I posted the theme of this blog…aaah, the classic temper tantrum. The bane of anyone ever entrusted to care for a young child. I’m a mom to a five year old and a two year old, so naturally it was only a matter of time before I had material to share with you. And so I waited until the moment was upon us. Of course, neither the moment nor my children disappointed. Nothing catastrophic happened. Nothing monumental occurred to start the frenzy. The catalyst, in fact, was a very benign supper of ham, string beans and potatoes. Ugh…the last straw before the explosion. But more about that later.
Though I originally intended for this to be a one installment blog, I actually feel drawn to write two blogs about the subject of temper tantrums. It really is a complex reaction, which requires finesse, grace and steadfast courage on the part of the adult who happens to be first on the scene. In my first blog, I’ll share a prevention tool that was suggested to me and my husband recently and in the second blog, I’ll describe a specific strategy and script that can be used with children to help them de-escalate and self-calm with your help. This is the first installment and it’s about prevention.
Now I’m proud to say that in the last year, I actually read a whole book without pictures. I’ve even started another one! The first book titled, Conscious Discipline by Becky Bailey, is a terrific read which offers parents and caregivers valuable and positive scripts to use with their children. In my house, I must admit that I’ve actually taken the step of taping scripts on the playroom walls so I can refer to them in times of, how shall we say it?…um….stress? The second, Buddhism for Mothers of Young Children by Sarah Napthali describes the challenges and joys of staying true to Buddhist principles while raising young children. These books are written by two very different women, living in different parts of the world, yet both advocate staying with and ‘in the moment’ even when that’s the last place you may really want to be.
I think of each moment of my day as just that…fleeting, special and over almost before it began. It will never come back. Even if I’m standing in line at the post office, I can enjoy how my feet look in my shoes, how strong my legs are and how much pressure my arms can hold. I am reminded of my body. And I smile, thankful for the chance to reconnect again.
I am challenged by the practice of being – and staying – in the moment. It is a simple yet complex charge. Accept the moment as it is. No more, no less. Now I’m the mother to two very strong-willed children. Though this temperamental trait may serve them well in life, and it very may well do just that, for me it’s the reason for some new grey hairs. Accepting each moment as it is much easier said that done… especially when you’re visiting relatives who just happen to have moved into a brand new home. Oddly enough, these folks just don’t seem to appreciate budding young artists trying to hone their painting skills inside during a rainy day.
Recently, I began having trouble with Giant refusing to sit down and stay in his time outs. So my husband and I met with a parent educator who explained that the missing piece to traditional time outs is that it misses the mark. Time outs don’t give children tools to do anything different the next time they are upset, angry, etc. Often, we leave children alone, crying with little idea or memory of what occurred to bring them to the time out spot in the first place. And that’s when we arrived at the missing piece.
An Ounce of Prevention is Worth A Pound of Cure
They saying goes that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Quite simply, prevention prevents stress. So enters an easy-to-implement idea aimed at preventing or at least minimizing the energy of your wee one’s meltdowns. As of this week, we have created a new space in our home: the “calm down corner.” This is where, twice a day, Giant sits to practice the skill of relaxation. It is hoped that after some days of this practice, Giant will have not only a place where he can calm down when sad, angry or disappointment but also safe and appropriate ways that he can expend the energy associated with strong feelings. This is a place where he can go to instead of laying by the dining room table screaming, whining and flailing about when he sees string beans on his plate for supper. But more about that later…
Friday began our first day of “practice” sessions. You know, people spend their entire lives practicing the skill of relaxation. And yet I feel a small shift even now. First of all, Giant actually likes the CDC spot. He came up with the name and he’s eager to practice. He likes feeling in control and this is a way that he can feel empowered. We have created a “We Care Bag” (concept suggested by Dr. Bailey) filled with small items chosen by Giant that he feels (and my husband and I agree) will be calming to him: a small Lego set; a ball; footprints for stomping; a blanket; a pillow; a book; a small blowing toy and a photo album filled with Giant’s favorite photos of friends, family and places.
During his practice sessions, he takes a turn with each of these items. The expectation is that Giant will identify that this place a safe haven and eventually will freely and naturally choose it during times when he’d like some “alone time” as we call it or, even more importantly, when stressed or upset. It is my ultimate goal to eliminate time outs entirely using this method. Wouldn’t that be a real accomplishment for all of us?
Does it work? So far, it does. Today, for example, when he was challenged by the idea that he couldn’t eat an entire breakfast of green food, he retreated to the CDC for some down time, found his center and came back ready to get back in the game of family life. Of course, I patted myself on the back and gave myself a mental gold star for that one. And, of course, in doing so sealed my fate for later in the day…
May laughter and love open the door to your world and all that it has to offer. Until next time, blessed be.
I wish you well,
Chris
Administrator
ReEnchant Planet Earth
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Thanks for the comment. What do you do?
Chris
19 Jul 09 at 10:48 am