Archive for January, 2010

Life in the BC

“There are bridges you cross you didn’t know you crossed until you crossed.”-
Wicked, the Broadway Play

I was reminded of my life BC – as in Before Children – recently when I needed to go through the recesses of my closet to find clothing appropriate to wear to a meeting of local business women. A grown up meeting where I could hear about and consider other adults and their ideas, their challenges and how they overcame them. And I found it to be an uncomfortable but slightly exciting opportunity to exit my life as a wife and mother for a little bit and go back in time to the person I used to be…kinda.

As I dressed, it felt surreal and pretty darn good to push my toes into old shoes that were dark, heeled and unscuffed, once ready at a moment’s notice for a meeting with a client or to stand in front of a group of people to do a training. As I ran my fingers along the lining of an old purse that I needed to use instead of my standard diaper bag/backpack that I carry EVERYWHERE with me, I found a restaurant receipt from the last time I did an overnight work trip. Memories of who I used to be, what I believed I could do and achieve. Invincible. Unstoppable.

On the drive to the meeting location, I wondered hard about who I used to be. Was I still that person – even a little bit? So much about me has changed. I still love a lot of the same things, but I’m not as attached to them as I used to be. I don’t follow popular music as religiously as I used to; in fact, my favorite music is whatever keeps the peace in the van I swore I’d never drive, but now do. I used to swear with the best of them, but now swear words make me cringe. I used to be much more black and white, but now view the world much more often in shades of grey. Two little people I never thought I’d want in my life are now what and who I live for. Am I different? You bet. Am I better? Absolutely.

I’m greyer at the temples, a little wrinkled at the corners of eyes and more experienced at life. I’ve crossed bridges, some I didn’t even know I crossed. And some I cross back over when I need to.

I’m thankful that I had the chance to try my old life back on again and see how it fits. And I’m equally thankful to have had the chance to take off the work clothes and heels I wore to the meeting in favor of my favorite old jeans and sweater. When I got home that day, I dressed down and then I got down on the floor and played with my kids.

One day. Two versions of the same me.

Photo sourced: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-heeled_footwear

The Power of a Piggy Bank

As many of you know, this past week Haiti experienced a devastating earthquake. Now I must admit that depending on the week and what’s going on for me and the family, I don’t turn on the news as much as I would like. Sometimes I miss entire news stories. But I am following the Haiti story daily. I am rooting on the cargo ships, I am cheering for the heroes, I am sending peace to those whose loved ones have died as a result of the quake and I am wishing patience and peaceful minds for those frustrated by excruciatingly slow progress.

For those of you who know Giant, he has an avid interest in the natural world, which also includes natural disasters. The other night, I shared the Haiti story with him. This is what happened.

When tragedies occur, I’ve always done my best to share the news in a child-friendly way with Giant while highlighting the myriad ways that people — even strangers — come together to help and why they do what they do. My goal is to draw attention to the value and importance of helping someone until he is mature enough to connect them for himself. And this time, he did it on his own. Giant’s getting it.

At the end of our discussion, I asked my little guy for ideas on how we could help the people in Haiti. Giant came up with the idea of donating food. With a good faith promise to explore more on the internet after he went to bed, I eventually checked to find that the two best types of donations are: 1) blood and 2) money.

The following morning, I shared this information with Giant. He didn’t go for donating blood saying, “Mommy, people share their blood? And they take it with a needle?” Okay, fast forward. No go on the needle. However, when it came to the idea of contributing money, his eyes widened and he enthusiastically said, “I have some of THAT in my piggy bank. I can share some of my own money with Haiti.” And with that, Giant started to figure out how much he had in his piggy bank.

We counted out $11.59 in pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters. And some of it ended up making its way into a local retailer’s emergency fund drive donation box.

What if we all shared just a little bit from each of our piggy banks with the people of Haiti?

What if we all pitched in?

If a five year old can do it, we can certainly do it, too.

Source: http://morguefile.com/archive/display/215927. Thanks Alvimann!

It’s Not Fair!

It all started when Giant took one look at Elf’s new shiny and brightly colored balloon and accompanying green and red goody bag from a holiday party that she attended. A party that Elf had attended, one that Giant had not. And at that very moment, the concept of equality and fairness clicked into Giant’s understanding of the world. His eyebrows pinched together, his mouth puckered up and it only took a few seconds for the phrase “But that’s not fair!” to take up a permanent place in his vocabulary.

As adults, Hubby and I know that life isn’t fair. We’ve experienced the imbalance many times. And yeah, life really stinks sometimes. People can be mean — really mean — and situations relentless, ugly and cruel.

In the face of large and small obstacles, Hubby and I choose to plug on and strive to look for the good. We acknowledge that life is not fair – that sometimes life is really, really hard. But it is what it is. What separates one person from the next person is how he or she handles the adversity of unfairness. Does it make you stronger or does it make you a victim? You get to decide.

Will you complain or will you figure out what to do and do it with grace? And when it comes to kids, how do you bring that concept down on a level that kids can grasp? How do you model graceful acceptance for the kids when all you want to do is have your own personal meltdown?

Life has a way of giving you lots of opportunities to practice the skills that you need to brush up on. So it seems that Hubby and I needed to spend some time on the “life isn’t fair” lesson treadmill. Right before Christmas, Hubby’s beloved car was totaled as a result of a hit and run crash. We had the car paid off completely. Ouch.

Now we are fortunate that I can be at home to work and still be the primary caregiver to Elf and Giant. However, this unexpected car crash had us feeling pinched, angry, frustrated and firmly feeling that life wasn’t fair. It’s wrong that we weren’t able to replace our beloved car with a similar model. It’s wrong that we now have to pay for a drivable car when we were not at fault. It’s wrong that my husband lost his beloved vanity plate. And as the offended party in this situation, my husband had to be the one to spend countless hours researching laws, learning policies and procedures as well as deal with a rather unhelpful claim representative. And so it goes…wah, wah, wah…poor us, poor us, poor us.

Yet it can go a lot deeper…even as I sat here and described on paper what happened, I started feeling slighted, irritated and it didn’t take long for the old anger to return. Dang! I don’t want to walk around feeling blah and grouchy. These are heavy, dark feelings and they’re not helpful. I feel powerless and fragile this way and I don’t like it. I may not be able to control what happened, but I can control my feelings about it.

Some experts suggest that Hubby and I reframe the fairness issue in terms of gratitude. Kirk Martin, Educational Director at Celebrate Calm (www.celebratecalm.com), asks:

“Why don’t more people, when assessing fairness, look at those LESS FORTUNATE than themselves and realize, “Wow, it’s really not fair that I have so much and they have so many difficulties. Perhaps I should be grateful and give more”? Interesting, eh? Fairness is almost always tied to not having enough, not the other way around.”

Martin suggests that Hubby and I think about what we do have rather than what we don’t. He suggests taking a power position – one of gratitude and empowerment.

Martin’s ideas aren’t new. In fact, I find bountiful wisdom about acceptance in Buddhist teachings. “Dukha” is one of the basic tenets in Buddhism. It’s one of the first things that gets in they way of you being at peace with yourself and your place in the universe. In its simplest definition, “dukha” (pronounced dook-ha) refers to the sense of longing and frustration that you feel when you’re still attached to something or someone that you desire but cannot have or attain. It is what it is is my mantra. And then I go on the best way I know how.

Hubby and I sit at the crossroads. Feel sorry for ourselves or feel blessed that no one was in the car at the time that it was hit? Feel sorry for ourselves or blessed that we are insured and can rent a safe car for Hubby to drive while we sort out this mess? Feel sorry for ourselves or feel blessed that we have good friends and co-workers willing to help Hubby travel safely to work and back home for a few days. (One of our friends even offered their family car to us should we need it for a little bit. Thanks to the F family!) Feel sorry that we don’t have enough money to buy the exact car we want or blessed that we have enough money to even buy a car – a safe and reliable car – for Hubby to drive? Feel sorry for ourselves or blessed that we have been able to maintain good credit and a good payment history which expedited a car loan? We can continue this list, yet it’s critical to reflect that each answer to each question can take us in one of two directions: the victims or the empowered.

I’ll admit it. I was really angry when I learned that we had to buy a new car because of someone else’s carelessness. There still are moments where the unfairness and sheer inconvenience of it all still creeps up. But as long as I choose to maintain this new perspective, I come away feeling awed rather than disempowered. Taking a new look at this situation makes me feel blessed. It requires practice and diligence and it’s not easy to consider our situation from a position of what we have rather than what don’t, but Hubby and I strive to practice resilience and to model it for our children. We’re using this situation to remind ourselves and to teach the children about the difference between wants versus needs, to point out how friends help friends in the good times and the bad times and to teach patience and grace in the face of adversity.

Hopefully Elf and Giant are watching because this lesson is a real test. Photo sourced: http://planninga-from-nanninga.blogspot.com/2009/01/analogy-235-its-not-fair.html