It’s Not Fair!
It all started when Giant took one look at Elf’s new shiny and brightly colored balloon and accompanying green and red goody bag from a holiday party that she attended. A party that Elf had attended, one that Giant had not. And at that very moment, the concept of equality and fairness clicked into Giant’s understanding of the world. His eyebrows pinched together, his mouth puckered up and it only took a few seconds for the phrase “But that’s not fair!” to take up a permanent place in his vocabulary.
As adults, Hubby and I know that life isn’t fair. We’ve experienced the imbalance many times. And yeah, life really stinks sometimes. People can be mean — really mean — and situations relentless, ugly and cruel.
In the face of large and small obstacles, Hubby and I choose to plug on and strive to look for the good. We acknowledge that life is not fair – that sometimes life is really, really hard. But it is what it is. What separates one person from the next person is how he or she handles the adversity of unfairness. Does it make you stronger or does it make you a victim? You get to decide.
Will you complain or will you figure out what to do and do it with grace? And when it comes to kids, how do you bring that concept down on a level that kids can grasp? How do you model graceful acceptance for the kids when all you want to do is have your own personal meltdown?
Life has a way of giving you lots of opportunities to practice the skills that you need to brush up on. So it seems that Hubby and I needed to spend some time on the “life isn’t fair” lesson treadmill. Right before Christmas, Hubby’s beloved car was totaled as a result of a hit and run crash. We had the car paid off completely. Ouch.
Now we are fortunate that I can be at home to work and still be the primary caregiver to Elf and Giant. However, this unexpected car crash had us feeling pinched, angry, frustrated and firmly feeling that life wasn’t fair. It’s wrong that we weren’t able to replace our beloved car with a similar model. It’s wrong that we now have to pay for a drivable car when we were not at fault. It’s wrong that my husband lost his beloved vanity plate. And as the offended party in this situation, my husband had to be the one to spend countless hours researching laws, learning policies and procedures as well as deal with a rather unhelpful claim representative. And so it goes…wah, wah, wah…poor us, poor us, poor us.
Yet it can go a lot deeper…even as I sat here and described on paper what happened, I started feeling slighted, irritated and it didn’t take long for the old anger to return. Dang! I don’t want to walk around feeling blah and grouchy. These are heavy, dark feelings and they’re not helpful. I feel powerless and fragile this way and I don’t like it. I may not be able to control what happened, but I can control my feelings about it.
Some experts suggest that Hubby and I reframe the fairness issue in terms of gratitude. Kirk Martin, Educational Director at Celebrate Calm (www.celebratecalm.com), asks:
“Why don’t more people, when assessing fairness, look at those LESS FORTUNATE than themselves and realize, “Wow, it’s really not fair that I have so much and they have so many difficulties. Perhaps I should be grateful and give more”? Interesting, eh? Fairness is almost always tied to not having enough, not the other way around.”
Martin suggests that Hubby and I think about what we do have rather than what we don’t. He suggests taking a power position – one of gratitude and empowerment.
Martin’s ideas aren’t new. In fact, I find bountiful wisdom about acceptance in Buddhist teachings. “Dukha” is one of the basic tenets in Buddhism. It’s one of the first things that gets in they way of you being at peace with yourself and your place in the universe. In its simplest definition, “dukha” (pronounced dook-ha) refers to the sense of longing and frustration that you feel when you’re still attached to something or someone that you desire but cannot have or attain. It is what it is is my mantra. And then I go on the best way I know how.
Hubby and I sit at the crossroads. Feel sorry for ourselves or feel blessed that no one was in the car at the time that it was hit? Feel sorry for ourselves or blessed that we are insured and can rent a safe car for Hubby to drive while we sort out this mess? Feel sorry for ourselves or feel blessed that we have good friends and co-workers willing to help Hubby travel safely to work and back home for a few days. (One of our friends even offered their family car to us should we need it for a little bit. Thanks to the F family!) Feel sorry that we don’t have enough money to buy the exact car we want or blessed that we have enough money to even buy a car – a safe and reliable car – for Hubby to drive? Feel sorry for ourselves or blessed that we have been able to maintain good credit and a good payment history which expedited a car loan? We can continue this list, yet it’s critical to reflect that each answer to each question can take us in one of two directions: the victims or the empowered.
I’ll admit it. I was really angry when I learned that we had to buy a new car because of someone else’s carelessness. There still are moments where the unfairness and sheer inconvenience of it all still creeps up. But as long as I choose to maintain this new perspective, I come away feeling awed rather than disempowered. Taking a new look at this situation makes me feel blessed. It requires practice and diligence and it’s not easy to consider our situation from a position of what we have rather than what don’t, but Hubby and I strive to practice resilience and to model it for our children. We’re using this situation to remind ourselves and to teach the children about the difference between wants versus needs, to point out how friends help friends in the good times and the bad times and to teach patience and grace in the face of adversity.
Hopefully Elf and Giant are watching because this lesson is a real test. Photo sourced: http://planninga-from-nanninga.blogspot.com/2009/01/analogy-235-its-not-fair.html
One Response to 'It’s Not Fair!'
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What a blog post!! Very informative and easy to understand. Looking for more such blog posts!! Do you have a twitter?
I recommended it on stumbleupon. The only thing that it’s missing is a bit of new design. However thank you for this blog.
Noe Yanuaria
18 Sep 10 at 2:46 am