Wabi Sabi: Finding Parenting Advice in a Children’s Book

It all started with a children’s book titled Wabi Sabi by Mark Reibstein and illustrated by Ed Young featuring a cat intrigued by the meaning of its name: Wabi Sabi. This book chronicles Wabi Sabi’s search for someone who can tell him what, exactly, is Wabi Sabi. Each character is able to share his/her own understanding of wabi sabi, but it takes real experience – the “ah-ha moment” – for Wabi Sabi the cat to reach understanding.

I picked this book off the shelf at the library, intrigued not only by the title but also the patchwork artistic rendering of the main character. I was unaware of the expansive idea behind this children’s book and ultimately learned of a new way of looking at the world and the people, places and things in it. I can’t say that my young children learned anything about the concept of wabi sabi from our reading the book together, but I certainly did.

Ever since then, this concept has occupied my thoughts. It’s foreign, fascinating and complex, inspiring me to look at the world in a different way. I’ll be honest, I don’t totally understand wabi sabi, but I sure like it, especially as a parenting practice.

According to Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wabi-sabi), Wabi-sabi (侘寂?) represents a comprehensive Japanese world view or aesthetic centered on the acceptance of transience. The phrase comes from the two words wabi and sabi. The aesthetic is sometimes described as one of beauty that is “imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete”.[1] It is a concept derived from the Buddhist assertion of the Three marks of existence (三法印 sanbōin?), specifically impermanence (無常 mujō?). Note also that the Japanese word for rust, 錆 is also pronounced sabi (the borrowed Chinese character is different, but the word itself is of assumed common etymology), and there is an obvious semantic connection between these concepts.[citation needed]

Characteristics of the wabi-sabi aesthetic include asymmetry, asperity, simplicity, modesty, intimacy, and the suggestion of natural processes.

[Wabi-sabi] nurtures all that is authentic by acknowledging three simple realities: nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect.”[3]

Well, I just can’t stop smiling at this line. Parenting is all about wabi sabi.

No, nothing lasts. Not the diapering, not the temper tantrums with the neighbors watching, not the kids squabbling. (Thank goodness for that!)

Yet when we parent with understanding and awareness, mindful of wabi sabi, what does last is the positive impact of time well spent together, the positive impact of kind words delivered with a calm and peaceful tone of voice. Consider these critical seeds to growing children into kind, assertive and thoughtful adults.

No, nothing is finished. And thank goodness that it’s not.

Now this is where I may split with the common understanding of wabi sabi. I believe that when we parent with understanding and awareness, mindful of wabi sabi, we can finish moments and close small circles with grace. We can choose to handle a parenting situation with calm or we can choose to respond with anxiety. And how we choose to respond can and often does make a significant difference in our relationships and the quality of our connections with our children and well as with others.

On the flip side, I also appreciate the fact that wabi sabi offers redemption in the idea that nothing is finished. When we’ve messed up as parents, and we all do, wabi sabi allows us to say we’re sorry and then try again.

No, nothing is perfect.

Whew, that’s a relief, because after I write this blog, I get to go clean up jelly off of my white carpet again…or at least it used to be white. Ah…one of the many aspects of my imperfect, but happy, wabi-sabi filled life.

Wabi sabi isn’t about being lazy, allowing the Universe to do its own thing around you
while you sit by and watch it unfold. No, Wabi sabi is what allows us to pause, take a breath and recognize that a temper tantrum is an opportunity to teach. Wabi Sabi allows us to switch our mindsets to recognize a moment is just as it is and nothing more, nothing less thus making it a smidge easier to respond and remain connected. Easier said that done when you’re called upon to compartmentalize individual moments in light of a long, rainy, dreary day when you’ve had to play the role of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton over and over and over again to prevent your children from injuring one another during play. Believe me, I know. And most importantly, Wabi Sabi encourages us to be authentic, playful and imperfect. Wabi sabi encourages us to be real. And when we model those things, that is a priceless gift to our friends, family and most importantly, our children.

Wow…all that from a “children’s” book?

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