Archive for the ‘connections’ tag

Cooking, Connections and Blessings

I happen to be lucky when it comes to cooking. I come from a solid line of talented Pennsylvania Dutch cooks who welcomed me into their kitchens from an early age. It was often a messy experience for both of us, but they kept inviting me in and I kept coming. They enjoyed cooking and I enjoyed being with them while they cooked. I still enjoy hanging out in the kitchen with my mom and am double blessed to have a mother-in-law who loves to let me help out, too.

I intuitively felt the person-to-person connection that happens when you cook together early on and even tried to capture it on a cassette recording many years ago. On a whim, I taped my grandmother’s and my conversation while we worked together to create her oh-so-fine, oh-so-amazingly tantalizing saffron chicken. What a treasure that recording is to me. As we tinkered around in the kitchen, you can hear the happiness in her voice; she is busy and if you listen closely enough, you can hear the sounds of some of her favorite pots and pans – some of which I now own – clinking and clanking in the background.

I grew up with great memories that combined food, connection and love. So it didn’t come as a surprise when I read Bill Penzey’s recent editorial in his spice catalog of the same name. In the December (2009) issue, he passionately encourages readers:

You have the power to spread the joy that is cooking; the holidays are the perfect time to make it happen…Maybe it is…pulling that novice into the kitchen and sharing a bit of what you know with them…Give them that feeling of knowing that part of the smiles around the table were their doing and you will have gone a long way in sharing what cooking is all about.

Well said, Bill.

Thanks to women like my grandmother, mother and my mother-in-law, I do love to cook. Penzey notes that those who love to cook had at least one person in their life who showed them “the value that comes to life through cooking.” As a result of the connection that I felt to adults who loved me and showed it – as well as how good the end result tasted – I do love to let others know how much I care about them through my cooking. When I was invited into their kitchens, they were showing me love. I could feel it. When they cooked for me, they showed me love. And now I’m doing the same for my own family.

As the holidays approach, I encourage you to be brave. Go ahead, open up that kitchen, hand out aprons and invite your loved ones around to help. Let them get messy, let them giggle and for goodness sake, let them lick the spoon every once in a while.

Happy holidays from our house to yours,

Chris

Photo source: http://www.amazingmoms.com/htm/kidscooking.htm

You Are The Calm To Your Child’s Storm: A New Take on Temper Tantrums

So you want to know how things are coming along in the Calm Down Corner (CDC)? Yes, I can see you nodding your head. Well, I’m nervous about jinxing us here in the yellow house but also quite pleased to report that Giant’s daily practice sessions in the Calm Down Corner seem to be having a positive impact. He continues to see this place as a peaceful, good spot in our home, which is precisely what we intend for it to be. Consistent, daily practice is what seems to be helping to create a path to success.

While the CDC has had a successful launch, I’d be lying if I said that we are living a tantrum-free life. Not by a long shot…

Prevention is the first goal. However, there are days when emotions boil over, patience runs out, bellies are hungry, bodies are worn out and at least around here, the weather can be quite hot and steamy. You can feel the energy rising. Sometimes you can see it, too. Your child’s voice tightens, the face winces and then…watch out…here it comes.

So what to do with a screaming, thrashing and wiggling body? Today I want to share a perspective on bringing your little one back to reality after he/she’s passed the threshold from almost-tantrumming to the throes of a mind-blowing temper tantrum.

In her book, Conscious Discipline, Becky Bailey talks a lot about empathy, the ability and willingness to “be” with another person. During a temper tantrum, Bailey encourages parents, teachers and caregivers of young children to serve as the child’s mirror. “Empathy requires we listen to children’s thoughts and feelings without the need to change them. It is not about “happying up” children. It’s about leaving them with their situation or choice so they can reflect and take responsibility. Empathy helps organize the brain.” And so empathy requires that we listen to the child without changing the problem or the child’s feelings.

Now it must be said that the following really does work much better with Giant (5) than it does for Elf (2). However, I am able to use it in a very modified version for Elf, who is quite verbal. And I do get to practice this a lot with Elf, often several times a day, as she is two years old…very two.

Adults can help children who are having a difficult time navigating disappointment, frustration and/or anger by serving as their mirrors. Slow and thoughtful observations and careful listening help bring a child out of a scary and frightening space. It’s the same as a life guard who guides and supports someone who’s drowning to solid ground. We cannot expect kiddos to be able to do this by themselves until they are much older. Even then, have you ever known an adult who can’t or won’t gracefully deal with strong feelings? I know I’ve met one or two along the way.

So without further ado, I give you the Bailey method, which has been a power-house tool for helping us and our children handle their most difficult moments. This one is for us…

Step #1:
(This is for all of you parents, teachers and caregivers out there)

1) Get a deep breath.
2) Get centered.
3) Get down – on your child’s level.
4) Get in the game.

For the child in your life:

Step #1: Bring Your Child’s Awareness About His/Her Body

Describe what you see. Feel free to use animation:

“Your feet are going like this__________.”

“Your body is telling me that you might be feeling ________.”

Step #2: Encourage Your Child’s Ability to Talk

“You seem ______. Something happened?”

Step #3: Encourage Your Child’s Ability to Think and Problem Solve

“So you’d like to do _________ instead. It’s hard to _________.”

“What can you think of that would be different?”*

*If the child cannot come up with an idea, help by providing two choices.

These words send the message: “I get that you’re having a hard time. You may not like it, but you can handle it. I’m here, too, and we can get through this together.”

What a powerful message to a child.

It takes a lot of practice to remember these words and concepts in the moment of crisis, but they are worth the practice, effort and inevitable mistakes.

I still mess up and maybe forget a step, but I’m getting better. Each temper tantrum teaches me patience, reinforces trust and lets me know that something isn’t right with Giant or Elf.

I’m here, kids. Let’s figure it out together, shall we?

Best to you and those you love,

Chris