Archive for the ‘Temper tantrums’ tag

You Are The Calm To Your Child’s Storm: A New Take on Temper Tantrums

So you want to know how things are coming along in the Calm Down Corner (CDC)? Yes, I can see you nodding your head. Well, I’m nervous about jinxing us here in the yellow house but also quite pleased to report that Giant’s daily practice sessions in the Calm Down Corner seem to be having a positive impact. He continues to see this place as a peaceful, good spot in our home, which is precisely what we intend for it to be. Consistent, daily practice is what seems to be helping to create a path to success.

While the CDC has had a successful launch, I’d be lying if I said that we are living a tantrum-free life. Not by a long shot…

Prevention is the first goal. However, there are days when emotions boil over, patience runs out, bellies are hungry, bodies are worn out and at least around here, the weather can be quite hot and steamy. You can feel the energy rising. Sometimes you can see it, too. Your child’s voice tightens, the face winces and then…watch out…here it comes.

So what to do with a screaming, thrashing and wiggling body? Today I want to share a perspective on bringing your little one back to reality after he/she’s passed the threshold from almost-tantrumming to the throes of a mind-blowing temper tantrum.

In her book, Conscious Discipline, Becky Bailey talks a lot about empathy, the ability and willingness to “be” with another person. During a temper tantrum, Bailey encourages parents, teachers and caregivers of young children to serve as the child’s mirror. “Empathy requires we listen to children’s thoughts and feelings without the need to change them. It is not about “happying up” children. It’s about leaving them with their situation or choice so they can reflect and take responsibility. Empathy helps organize the brain.” And so empathy requires that we listen to the child without changing the problem or the child’s feelings.

Now it must be said that the following really does work much better with Giant (5) than it does for Elf (2). However, I am able to use it in a very modified version for Elf, who is quite verbal. And I do get to practice this a lot with Elf, often several times a day, as she is two years old…very two.

Adults can help children who are having a difficult time navigating disappointment, frustration and/or anger by serving as their mirrors. Slow and thoughtful observations and careful listening help bring a child out of a scary and frightening space. It’s the same as a life guard who guides and supports someone who’s drowning to solid ground. We cannot expect kiddos to be able to do this by themselves until they are much older. Even then, have you ever known an adult who can’t or won’t gracefully deal with strong feelings? I know I’ve met one or two along the way.

So without further ado, I give you the Bailey method, which has been a power-house tool for helping us and our children handle their most difficult moments. This one is for us…

Step #1:
(This is for all of you parents, teachers and caregivers out there)

1) Get a deep breath.
2) Get centered.
3) Get down – on your child’s level.
4) Get in the game.

For the child in your life:

Step #1: Bring Your Child’s Awareness About His/Her Body

Describe what you see. Feel free to use animation:

“Your feet are going like this__________.”

“Your body is telling me that you might be feeling ________.”

Step #2: Encourage Your Child’s Ability to Talk

“You seem ______. Something happened?”

Step #3: Encourage Your Child’s Ability to Think and Problem Solve

“So you’d like to do _________ instead. It’s hard to _________.”

“What can you think of that would be different?”*

*If the child cannot come up with an idea, help by providing two choices.

These words send the message: “I get that you’re having a hard time. You may not like it, but you can handle it. I’m here, too, and we can get through this together.”

What a powerful message to a child.

It takes a lot of practice to remember these words and concepts in the moment of crisis, but they are worth the practice, effort and inevitable mistakes.

I still mess up and maybe forget a step, but I’m getting better. Each temper tantrum teaches me patience, reinforces trust and lets me know that something isn’t right with Giant or Elf.

I’m here, kids. Let’s figure it out together, shall we?

Best to you and those you love,

Chris