Western Women Needed To Save The World

March 7, 2010
The world will be saved by the Western Women
~ Dalia Lama

I hope more Western women will come to consciousness by learning and

appreciating our history, understanding where we are today globally

(conditions girls and women live in around the world-100 million women

and girls are missing!), where we need to go and who we need to be to

save the world. I feel disheartened when I see so many of us continue

to give up our last names in marriage and give our children our

husband’s name, call ourselves girls when we’re well beyond childhood,

call girls and women sluts and the guys, the guys, and continue to

subordinate ourselves. I feel totally heartened when I read about women

around the globe, not the leaders of nations, but the women in the

trenches who are saying no to genital mutilation, who are building

schools for girls and hospitals for women who otherwise would die in

childbirth, who are prosecuting their rapists in a culture where it is

unheard of to do so, saying no to  arranged marriages that are forced

upon them oftentimes by rape, and who are stopping girls from being

sold into slavery and brothels by ensuring education and healthcare for

girls. Gerda Lerner asks what could explain women holding onto our

subordination and ‘upholding the patriarchal system that continues to

subordinate us’. Is it fear of violence? Is it we are busy working,

caregiving, producing and reproducing? I suspect both and as we come

into greater consciousness, we will see, yes in fact we can and must

save the world. It is only through love and care the world can be

saved. Western Women with greater resources and access to them are a

powerful force to be reckoned with, once we feel empowered to be that

force.

Time For A Change?

How can it not be time for a change, right? Two weeks ago a man walked

into a St. Louis company he worked for and started shooting his co-

workers, killing 3people, and wounding over a dozen, I believe. The man

who killed his co-workers was also killed. One of the people he killed

was my friend’s neighbor’s son. 

My heart tells me this all about how we’re raising little boys. We

‘train’ them just like they are trained to be soldiers in warring

countries or trained to put mines in fields, and that is to live life

like it’s one big fight and you better win. You better win in sports,

business and/or sex and if you don’t, you’re not a man. What’s so

absurd about the whole thing to me is when one does all these things so

well, like Tiger Woods, then we scream and carry on about it. Didn’t he

do as he was trained to do? I think so. 

From my perspective, it’s not rocket science. If we want to stop

creating unhappy, lonely and isolated men who carry out acts of

violence because they feel there is no other recourse, we must teach

them differently. If the man at Ft. Hood had not felt lonely and

hopeless, the young Nigerian man had not felt so alone in the world

with all his worldly possessions and the man here in St. Louis had been

able to share his feelings, I don’t believe any of these horrible

things would have occurred. We see the same M.O. for gang members.

Their relationships at home and school are poor to non-existent and so

they find something somewhere just to feel worthy and connected.

Can we begin a dialogue about male violence? Yes, women are violent

also. However, we’re not getting anywhere talking about it collectively

and I do believe more men seek violent ‘solutions’ than women. Maybe

I’m wrong. Maybe the statistics would prove me wrong if I looked

deeper. And I’m very open to that discovery. I also know that because

we raise our little boys to be ‘killers’ in some way, kill ‘em on the

playing field, be a lady-killer, etc, we get killers.
How can we expect different results when this is what we’re training

50% of our species to believe they are here to be?

A human identity is where this craziness will end. When we raise little

boys to be skillful in building and honoring relationships, we will

create peace makers, collaborators and connected happy people. Blowing

up a plane or one’s co-workers would never even be on the radar screen

as a solution for solving any problem. It would be unimaginable.

Won’t that be wonderful to live in a time when killing, beating and

raping are unimaginable? The solution is imaginable. So what do you say

we not only imagine it we do it? One identity for both boys and girls,

women and men. To be human is to be loving, kind, compassionate and

caring. That’s it. Pink is just a color, crying is a just another way

to express one’s feelings like laughter, movies about relationships are

as valuable as any other kind of movie, etc. Being a man, like being a

woman, is simply about being a loving person. 

Yes, it’s time for a change and I believe we know what needs changing.

It’s usually an inside job and this one is no different.Let’s do it!

GenderWise icircle – February 3, 2010

Join us each month for GenderWise icircle!

We’re creating a community of women and men up for change. Creating

positive feelings, thoughts and expectations of one another to move to

a more peaceful, caring and safe world. This month on a Wednesday

night, 7:00-7:45PM Central Time, 8-9:00PM Eastern, 5:00-5:45PM Pacific,

6:00-6:45PM Mountain

Call in #: (712) 432-0800, Access Code 464850#

Time for a Change?

How can it not be time for a change, right? Two weeks ago a man walked into a St. Louis company he worked for and started shooting his co-workers, killing 3people, and wounding over a dozen, I believe. The man who killed his co-workers was also killed. One of the people he killed was my friend’s neighbor’s son. 

My heart tells me this all about how we’re raising little boys. We ‘train’ them just like they are trained to be soldiers in warring countries or trained to put mines in fields, and that is to live life like it’s one big fight and you better win. You better win in sports, business and/or sex and if you don’t, you’re not a man. What’s so absurd about the whole thing to me is when one does all these things so well, like Tiger Woods, then we scream and carry on about it. Didn’t he do as he was trained to do? I think so. 

From my perspective, it’s not rocket science. If we want to stop creating unhappy, lonely and isolated men who carry out acts of violence because they feel there is no other recourse, we must teach them differently. If the man at Ft. Hood had not felt lonely and hopeless, the young Nigerian man had not felt so alone in the world with all his worldly possessions and the man here in St. Louis had been able to share his feelings, I don’t believe any of these horrible things would have occurred. We see the same M.O. for gang members. Their relationships at home and school are poor to non-existent and so they find something somewhere just to feel worthy and connected.

Can we begin a dialogue about male violence? Yes, women are violent also. However, we’re not getting anywhere talking about it collectively and I do believe more men seek violent ‘solutions’ than women. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the statistics would prove me wrong if I looked deeper. And I’m very open to that discovery. I also know that because we raise our little boys to be ‘killers’ in some way, kill ‘em on the playing field, be a lady-killer, etc, we get killers.
How can we expect different results when this is what we’re training 50% of our species to believe they are here to be?

A human identity is where this craziness will end. When we raise little boys to be skillful in building and honoring relationships, we will create peace makers, collaborators and connected happy people. Blowing up a plane or one’s co-workers would never even be on the radar screen as a solution for solving any problem. It would be unimaginable.

Won’t that be wonderful to live in a time when killing, beating and raping are unimaginable? The solution is imaginable. So what do you say we not only imagine it we do it? One identity for both boys and girls, women and men. To be human is to be loving, kind, compassionate and caring. That’s it. Pink is just a color, crying is another way to express one’s feelings like laughter, movies about relationships are as valuable as any other type of movie, etc. Being a man, like being a woman, is simply about being a loving person. 

Yes, it’s time for a change and I believe we know what needs changing. It’s usually an inside job and this one is no different. Let’s do it!

What Would Love Do?

I recently read this question (above) in an article by Mike Robbins who writes and speaks about appreciation. Since this is integral to my work as well, as a Health Coach, I loved seeing this question posed to his readers. I decided to pose the question to myself as I took on the ‘issue’ of certain marriage traditions, many of which secure gender identities and keep us locked into unhealthy paradigms and expectations of one another.

 

So before you get upset about me challenging our wedding customs, think about how often you hear of a heinous crime or injustice. Then see if you can trace it to the way men think about themselves as men and how they view women, and the way women think of themselves as women and how they view men. 

 

Next, think about traditions. Our wedding traditions are a great place to look. For instance, it is widely accepted and expected that women will give up their last name for his, as well as their children’s last name. The woman will be given away, most likely, by one man to another. We will likely hear ‘you may now kiss the bride’. I’ve always wondered why this is directed to the groom. We’ll also likely hear ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’. She becomes her new role (Mrs), he remains the same (Mr). 

 

Many in this country are perfectly okay with these traditions, yet see Middle Eastern women required to wear Burkas as something very different and sexist. Don’t all of these traditions say something about what we believe about women and men? And if you believe it is our feelings about ourselves, much of these feelings based on gender identities, that are at the cause of almost every problem we’re facing in the world today, then perhaps our customs and traditions need an update.

 

Because this has troubled me for a long time, I’ll take my own advice and ask myself the question, what would love do?

 

After a few moments of feeling love in my heart, it begins to guide me toward compassion for all of us as we navigate through life expecting things of one another based on the gender identities we have been taught and the cultures we live in that reinforce them, oftentimes with stiff penalties for non-compliance. Gender identities as we know them today, create rules that have been laid down generation after generation, based on centuries of narrow views of who and what women and men are supposed to be and do.

 

As I continue to hold love in my heart, it also guides me to keep going. Keep sharing a message that invites people to take a look at how we might do it differently. Too many people are hitting rock bottom, physically, mentally, emotionally right now. What if love had been there for the Fort Hood psychologist who killed over a dozen people in his military base and the young Nigerian man on the flight to Detroit? What if love were there for the children who have chosen gangs in Chicago and Al Qaeda in Afghanistan? What if they had a wonderful school to go to every day and a loving family to come home to? Do you think they would make the same choice? I don’t think so.

 

Love brings out the best in each of us. Love guides us to the place where we will find more love, the support we need, compassion when we’re down and forgiveness when we and others make mistakes. With love comes the greatest strength of all. It is the most powerful energy source on the planet and greatly underutilized. Coming from a loving, heart-filled place, our thoughts and actions are different, our opinions widen and we see things we otherwise could not.  

 

So whether it is the upcoming wedding plans, the next teaching moment you have with your children or students, or response to your spouse, partner or friend, ask yourself first, “What would love do?”  Collectively as we begin to reduce our pain and struggles on the planet, we will move beyond old paradigms that keep these very problems and struggles in place.

 

A change of heart truly changes everything. Love will bring what we need most right now; human beings prioritizing loving relationships with ourselves, with one another and all life on the planet.

Gender Identities Offer a Place to Begin Anew

I first heard of a feminine mystique through the work of Betty Friedan. Her 1963 book, entitled The Feminine Mystique, is considered one of the most important non-fiction books of the 20th century. I think of a gender mystique as a belief system that becomes a code of behavior created by cultures and societies.

The feminine mystique at that time, described women’s identity totally through the lives of their husbands and children.

The masculine mystique described men’s identity by their athletic ability, sexual conquests and economic success.

When I first looked at these gender defined identities, I thought they seemed outdated, however, as I took another look, I thought maybe not.

Today, if a woman has children, she typically works in the home caring for her children alongside her husband and she may also work outside of home or have a business she runs from her home. Today, her life may not include children, may or may not include a husband and may or may not include a career. May or may not, that is the distinction from the identity Friedan described almost 50 years ago. Of course there were women who chose not to get married or have children in those days, however, they were clearly a minority and looked upon with some suspicion. Today, not so much. Are there still remnants of the 60’s defined feminine mystique? Yes. Are women today defined entirely by husband and children? Not so much.

As I look at the male identity/mystique and think about each of its components, athletic ability–check, sexual conquests–check, economic success–check. It might be a little different today. Athletic ability after high school may look like time watching sports and knowledge of sports, sexual conquests may be time thinking or talking about sex and economic success, his ability to amass money and things–well, check,check,check.

Friedan stated, “They were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill.” In current days, Frank Pittman, MD and author of Man Enough, says ‘Men fight for turf and wrestle for control over people and things,whether through war, armed robbery or corporate takeovers. They are trying to feel like men but no matter what they do, they never seem to feel man enough. Masculinity is an artificial state, a prize to be won by fierce struggle.”

Many years ago I learned about Coach Ehrmann, an NFL star who became a minister and volunteer high school coach in Baltimore. He felt almost every problem we have in the world is due to the way we raise our sons. He stated, “Masculinity, first and foremost, ought to be defined in terms of relationships. It ought to be taught in terms of the capacity to love and be loved.” He focused his football training on a kind of ‘Men 101′ course. Can you imagine taking time during football practice to teach about relationships? Well it worked. His team went on to be undefeated for several years. Key to their success, on and off the field, was learning about relationships and their responsibilities within those relationships.

I’d like to take the Coach’s definition of masculinity and expand it to all of humanity. What if both women and men’s identities were one and the same, a human identity, defined by their relationships and their ability to love and be loved?

I agree with Coach Ehrmann in that our problems today, such as violence, poverty and war, stem from the way we raise boys and I believe girls as well. In many ways the ‘old’ feminine and masculine mystiques are still part of the behavior code and create confusion, lack of fulfillment, impossible expectations and unresolved inner conflict.

So what can we do?

I remember hearing back in the post-Friedan days, feminist women raise their daughters to be feminists, yet continue to raise their sons traditionally, afraid their little boys will appear too sensitive or wimpy and then isolated or made fun of. I believe this is why the feminine mystique, as defined in the 60’s, is so much less prevalent than the male mystique today.

So women: raise your sons in the context of the human identity. As you’ve raised your daughters to be relationship savvy, do the same for your sons. Let them feel their feelings and support them to express them. They first must be comfortable with the relationship they have with themselves by being in touch with their feelings. Share with them the importance of their relationships and how to responsibly care for them. Do the same for your daughters as girls can be unusually cruel to other girls throughout high school years. Respect and honor men and support those who are stepping beyond the male mystique. Ask a man for his forgiveness if you have not done so.

Men: know it is okay to feel your emotions and share your feelings. Your sons will be comfortable feeling their emotions and expressing them when you are. Your daughters will be comfortable being with men who are kind and sensitive and who make their relationships a priority. Do work you love, regardless of the immediate payback. In time, you will have what you need. Make your relationships a priority, loving and caring for others. Be present in your children’s lives and teach both your daughters and sons the human identity. Respect and honor women. Know that when you denigrate womenkind by thinking or calling women sluts,hos, chicks, bitches, etc. you disrepect and denigrate your daughters, sisters, mother and grandmother. When you are putting a man down and use locker room phrases that put women down (calling a group of men ‘ladies’, ‘throw like a girl’, chick flick, pull up your pantyhose, etc.) you disrespect womenkind. Ask a woman for forgiveness if you have not respected or honored her and thought her feelings petty.

Wouldn’t it be amazing to create a 21st century gender mystique, one and the same for both women and men, that is a true reflection of who and what we are as human beings? A single identity that is defined by one’s ability to love and be loved and care for others.

Imagine the change on the planet.

A Revealing Start by Laurie Levin

My story is not that different than a lot of other kids. Something goes wrong. Something happens that is not supposed to happen. The world as you know it is gone one day and it feels as though it and your heart have turned inside out. No one’s mom dies when you were 11 years old, or so I thought. But mine did. She was 39. This just can’t be I remember feeling. How would we make it without her?

She was the glue that held our family together. Everything worked because of her. Her care and love were irreplaceable.  She arranged everything in our family. She got us where we needed to be, when we needed to be there. She created our memories, holidays, birthday parties, play dates, study times, and breakfast, lunch and dinner. She loved us unconditionally and it was clear her family was everything to her. And then one day she and all traces of normalcy were gone.

I felt as though I was on my own even though I had a loving father and three siblings. We helped each other as best we could. Our father worked all day, 7 days a week. He just didn’t know how to be a dad at home. He was committed to being the bread earner before and after my mother’s death and never really migrated from that place, even though his children needed him in many other ways.  This led me to believe men were available for some things and women for others. We needed both, yet one side of the equation would be lost forever.

Without my strong and loving mother, I began to see the world very differently. The rules of the game seemed very different now. Maleness seemed to be getting much more attention; toughness to the point of insensitivity, competition and physical strength. They all seemed to matter more than anything else. Female qualities, like empathy, compassion and kindness, began to feel of less value. So I toughened up and pretended to be less effected by things, cool and casual when deep down, the feelings were there without a safe place to express them or my true self.

My first year in college in another country was a mixture of excitement, independence and adventure until the night I was raped. He was an American and captain of the basketball team. I did nothing about it and even remember saying hello to him a day or so later. This single event and my response to it would continue to shape my feelings, fears, anger, and choices for the next 30 years.

I continued to face violence in my life, sexual discrimination, challenging relationships and finances even after earning an MBA and a six-figure salary. Life and the world didn’t make sense for me in many ways which fueled my anger and fear, and left me feeling unsafe almost everywhere.

As I look back, I feel my father was limited in what he was able to give his family, particularly when we needed care and attention.  He was brought up to do, more than he was brought up to feel. I wonder how it felt for him, needing to be the provider, yet unable to provide what his children so desperately needed.

Women on the other hand are raised to feel and are oftentimes deprived of the means to do. I believe my mother, a highly intelligent woman and strong leader, would have enjoyed  a successful career along with motherhood, yet I’m not so sure she would have pursued one given social pressures of her time.  Our limiting gender identities exist still today and are like two sides of a coin; a coin that holds little value compared to its potential.

Compounding the problem, maleness too often means you also disdain and denigrate the qualities of femaleness. In that place we will continue to create havoc, violence and chaos in the world.  The day little boys are raised to value themselves as sensitive, caring creatures of the world and women are valued, honored and respected by both men and women, is the day the world will be safe, abundant for all and self-sustaining.

I hope that day comes soon. So many other stories depend on it.

GenderWise icircle – December 1, 2009

Join us each month for GenderWise icircle!

We’re creating a community of women and men up for change. Creating positive feelings, thoughts and expectations of one another to move to a more peaceful, caring and safe world. 1st Tuesday of the month, 7:00-7:45PM Central Time, 8-9:00PM Eastern, 5:00-5:45PM Pacific, 6:00-6:45PM Mountain

Call in #: (712) 432-0800, Access Code 464850#