What Would Love Do?
I recently read this question (above) in an article by Mike Robbins who writes and speaks about appreciation. Since this is integral to my work as well, as a Health Coach, I loved seeing this question posed to his readers. I decided to pose the question to myself as I took on the ‘issue’ of certain marriage traditions, many of which secure gender identities and keep us locked into unhealthy paradigms and expectations of one another.
So before you get upset about me challenging our wedding customs, think about how often you hear of a heinous crime or injustice. Then see if you can trace it to the way men think about themselves as men and how they view women, and the way women think of themselves as women and how they view men.
Next, think about traditions. Our wedding traditions are a great place to look. For instance, it is widely accepted and expected that women will give up their last name for his, as well as their children’s last name. The woman will be given away, most likely, by one man to another. We will likely hear ‘you may now kiss the bride’. I’ve always wondered why this is directed to the groom. We’ll also likely hear ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’. She becomes her new role (Mrs), he remains the same (Mr).
Many in this country are perfectly okay with these traditions, yet see Middle Eastern women required to wear Burkas as something very different and sexist. Don’t all of these traditions say something about what we believe about women and men? And if you believe it is our feelings about ourselves, much of these feelings based on gender identities, that are at the cause of almost every problem we’re facing in the world today, then perhaps our customs and traditions need an update.
Because this has troubled me for a long time, I’ll take my own advice and ask myself the question, what would love do?
After a few moments of feeling love in my heart, it begins to guide me toward compassion for all of us as we navigate through life expecting things of one another based on the gender identities we have been taught and the cultures we live in that reinforce them, oftentimes with stiff penalties for non-compliance. Gender identities as we know them today, create rules that have been laid down generation after generation, based on centuries of narrow views of who and what women and men are supposed to be and do.
As I continue to hold love in my heart, it also guides me to keep going. Keep sharing a message that invites people to take a look at how we might do it differently. Too many people are hitting rock bottom, physically, mentally, emotionally right now. What if love had been there for the Fort Hood psychologist who killed over a dozen people in his military base and the young Nigerian man on the flight to Detroit? What if love were there for the children who have chosen gangs in Chicago and Al Qaeda in Afghanistan? What if they had a wonderful school to go to every day and a loving family to come home to? Do you think they would make the same choice? I don’t think so.
Love brings out the best in each of us. Love guides us to the place where we will find more love, the support we need, compassion when we’re down and forgiveness when we and others make mistakes. With love comes the greatest strength of all. It is the most powerful energy source on the planet and greatly underutilized. Coming from a loving, heart-filled place, our thoughts and actions are different, our opinions widen and we see things we otherwise could not.
So whether it is the upcoming wedding plans, the next teaching moment you have with your children or students, or response to your spouse, partner or friend, ask yourself first, “What would love do?” Collectively as we begin to reduce our pain and struggles on the planet, we will move beyond old paradigms that keep these very problems and struggles in place.
A change of heart truly changes everything. Love will bring what we need most right now; human beings prioritizing loving relationships with ourselves, with one another and all life on the planet.
One Response to 'What Would Love Do?'
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What an interesting point of view to take… though I’m not quite sure I get the “What Would Love Say?” question posed.
Since it’s so ingrained into EVERYTHING in our societies, cultures, and religions, I don’t think that most people are even conscious that gender identity is CREATED – it tends to be one of those situations where saying something repeatedly and presenting it as fact makes the general population believe it’s true.
There have been numerous studies about gender identity issues in the expectation of different behaviors. For example, I recently read about a study on male and female assertiveness. They followed a group of men and women in both a male dominant society and a female dominant society, to see if there was a difference. Of course there was! In the male dominated society, the men – who were brought up to believe it was OK to be assertive – were generally more assertive than women; the kicker was that in the female-dominated society, it was just the opposite – the women were brought up to be more assertive.
From an early age, I’ve told my 2 children – both girls, ages 11 and 13 – the following, with all sincerity:
1) They don’t have to ever get married, if they don’t feel like they haven’t met someone with whom they want to spend their lives.
2) I don’t want them even BREATHE the “M” word until they’re done with college, started in their career, and decided on where they’d like to live – and understand who they are. This would bring them to (hopefully) their late 20’s, early 30’s. Plus, I told them I wanted them to live on their own for awhile, including for a period by themselves (no roommates) before ever living with a man;
3) I wholeheartedly want them to elope if/when they do get married. With all honesty, I HATE traditional weddings, largely for the reasons you cite here; the other part is the fact that it’s too much of a waste of good money to be starting out a life together with all that stress! I’ve told them that if/when the time comes, to let me know, and we’ll pay for them to fly to a breathtakingly beautiful place to do it – the only thing I ask is that I get to see it, and then I’ll leave.
4) They can choose whatever name they’d like if/when they get married. There’s nothing that says they have to take anyone’s name… heck, if they want, they can even combine their names and make a new one!
I can go on and on about the marriage criteria I’ve given them… but there are so many other things, too!
I do explain that they have proven we’re “wired” differently, and though we can do the same things, we can approach the genders differently because of that. However, I do also explain that having those differences in no way makes one superior over the other – the whole ying/yang concept.
Anyway, other things I’ve taught them include not ever making fun of a boy/man who cries, not to equate lack of emotion in a boy or man as acceptable, and to not ever label anything as “boy” or “girl” – such as colors, toys, careers, etc.
There’s just so much!
I’m definitely considered a die-hard in my circle, but as I said, many people don’t even hear themselves, and have just accepted that the “social norm” is fact. I will take us being clear about all of this and bringing up our children and grand-children one family at a time to make a difference!
Angela C.
4 Jan 10 at 2:03 pm