Archive for the ‘Gender’ Category

Gender Identities Offer a Place to Begin Anew

I first heard of a feminine mystique through the work of Betty Friedan. Her 1963 book, entitled The Feminine Mystique, is considered one of the most important non-fiction books of the 20th century. I think of a gender mystique as a belief system that becomes a code of behavior created by cultures and societies.

The feminine mystique at that time, described women’s identity totally through the lives of their husbands and children.

The masculine mystique described men’s identity by their athletic ability, sexual conquests and economic success.

When I first looked at these gender defined identities, I thought they seemed outdated, however, as I took another look, I thought maybe not.

Today, if a woman has children, she typically works in the home caring for her children alongside her husband and she may also work outside of home or have a business she runs from her home. Today, her life may not include children, may or may not include a husband and may or may not include a career. May or may not, that is the distinction from the identity Friedan described almost 50 years ago. Of course there were women who chose not to get married or have children in those days, however, they were clearly a minority and looked upon with some suspicion. Today, not so much. Are there still remnants of the 60’s defined feminine mystique? Yes. Are women today defined entirely by husband and children? Not so much.

As I look at the male identity/mystique and think about each of its components, athletic ability–check, sexual conquests–check, economic success–check. It might be a little different today. Athletic ability after high school may look like time watching sports and knowledge of sports, sexual conquests may be time thinking or talking about sex and economic success, his ability to amass money and things–well, check,check,check.

Friedan stated, “They were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill.” In current days, Frank Pittman, MD and author of Man Enough, says ‘Men fight for turf and wrestle for control over people and things,whether through war, armed robbery or corporate takeovers. They are trying to feel like men but no matter what they do, they never seem to feel man enough. Masculinity is an artificial state, a prize to be won by fierce struggle.”

Many years ago I learned about Coach Ehrmann, an NFL star who became a minister and volunteer high school coach in Baltimore. He felt almost every problem we have in the world is due to the way we raise our sons. He stated, “Masculinity, first and foremost, ought to be defined in terms of relationships. It ought to be taught in terms of the capacity to love and be loved.” He focused his football training on a kind of ‘Men 101′ course. Can you imagine taking time during football practice to teach about relationships? Well it worked. His team went on to be undefeated for several years. Key to their success, on and off the field, was learning about relationships and their responsibilities within those relationships.

I’d like to take the Coach’s definition of masculinity and expand it to all of humanity. What if both women and men’s identities were one and the same, a human identity, defined by their relationships and their ability to love and be loved?

I agree with Coach Ehrmann in that our problems today, such as violence, poverty and war, stem from the way we raise boys and I believe girls as well. In many ways the ‘old’ feminine and masculine mystiques are still part of the behavior code and create confusion, lack of fulfillment, impossible expectations and unresolved inner conflict.

So what can we do?

I remember hearing back in the post-Friedan days, feminist women raise their daughters to be feminists, yet continue to raise their sons traditionally, afraid their little boys will appear too sensitive or wimpy and then isolated or made fun of. I believe this is why the feminine mystique, as defined in the 60’s, is so much less prevalent than the male mystique today.

So women: raise your sons in the context of the human identity. As you’ve raised your daughters to be relationship savvy, do the same for your sons. Let them feel their feelings and support them to express them. They first must be comfortable with the relationship they have with themselves by being in touch with their feelings. Share with them the importance of their relationships and how to responsibly care for them. Do the same for your daughters as girls can be unusually cruel to other girls throughout high school years. Respect and honor men and support those who are stepping beyond the male mystique. Ask a man for his forgiveness if you have not done so.

Men: know it is okay to feel your emotions and share your feelings. Your sons will be comfortable feeling their emotions and expressing them when you are. Your daughters will be comfortable being with men who are kind and sensitive and who make their relationships a priority. Do work you love, regardless of the immediate payback. In time, you will have what you need. Make your relationships a priority, loving and caring for others. Be present in your children’s lives and teach both your daughters and sons the human identity. Respect and honor women. Know that when you denigrate womenkind by thinking or calling women sluts,hos, chicks, bitches, etc. you disrepect and denigrate your daughters, sisters, mother and grandmother. When you are putting a man down and use locker room phrases that put women down (calling a group of men ‘ladies’, ‘throw like a girl’, chick flick, pull up your pantyhose, etc.) you disrespect womenkind. Ask a woman for forgiveness if you have not respected or honored her and thought her feelings petty.

Wouldn’t it be amazing to create a 21st century gender mystique, one and the same for both women and men, that is a true reflection of who and what we are as human beings? A single identity that is defined by one’s ability to love and be loved and care for others.

Imagine the change on the planet.

A Revealing Start by Laurie Levin

My story is not that different than a lot of other kids. Something goes wrong. Something happens that is not supposed to happen. The world as you know it is gone one day and it feels as though it and your heart have turned inside out. No one’s mom dies when you were 11 years old, or so I thought. But mine did. She was 39. This just can’t be I remember feeling. How would we make it without her?

She was the glue that held our family together. Everything worked because of her. Her care and love were irreplaceable.  She arranged everything in our family. She got us where we needed to be, when we needed to be there. She created our memories, holidays, birthday parties, play dates, study times, and breakfast, lunch and dinner. She loved us unconditionally and it was clear her family was everything to her. And then one day she and all traces of normalcy were gone.

I felt as though I was on my own even though I had a loving father and three siblings. We helped each other as best we could. Our father worked all day, 7 days a week. He just didn’t know how to be a dad at home. He was committed to being the bread earner before and after my mother’s death and never really migrated from that place, even though his children needed him in many other ways.  This led me to believe men were available for some things and women for others. We needed both, yet one side of the equation would be lost forever.

Without my strong and loving mother, I began to see the world very differently. The rules of the game seemed very different now. Maleness seemed to be getting much more attention; toughness to the point of insensitivity, competition and physical strength. They all seemed to matter more than anything else. Female qualities, like empathy, compassion and kindness, began to feel of less value. So I toughened up and pretended to be less effected by things, cool and casual when deep down, the feelings were there without a safe place to express them or my true self.

My first year in college in another country was a mixture of excitement, independence and adventure until the night I was raped. He was an American and captain of the basketball team. I did nothing about it and even remember saying hello to him a day or so later. This single event and my response to it would continue to shape my feelings, fears, anger, and choices for the next 30 years.

I continued to face violence in my life, sexual discrimination, challenging relationships and finances even after earning an MBA and a six-figure salary. Life and the world didn’t make sense for me in many ways which fueled my anger and fear, and left me feeling unsafe almost everywhere.

As I look back, I feel my father was limited in what he was able to give his family, particularly when we needed care and attention.  He was brought up to do, more than he was brought up to feel. I wonder how it felt for him, needing to be the provider, yet unable to provide what his children so desperately needed.

Women on the other hand are raised to feel and are oftentimes deprived of the means to do. I believe my mother, a highly intelligent woman and strong leader, would have enjoyed  a successful career along with motherhood, yet I’m not so sure she would have pursued one given social pressures of her time.  Our limiting gender identities exist still today and are like two sides of a coin; a coin that holds little value compared to its potential.

Compounding the problem, maleness too often means you also disdain and denigrate the qualities of femaleness. In that place we will continue to create havoc, violence and chaos in the world.  The day little boys are raised to value themselves as sensitive, caring creatures of the world and women are valued, honored and respected by both men and women, is the day the world will be safe, abundant for all and self-sustaining.

I hope that day comes soon. So many other stories depend on it.

GenderWise icircle – December 1, 2009

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